LOST LOVE
by
Peter Papadopoulos
CHARACTERS:
BARB, the strong silent type, who recently cheated on
JAN, dark night of the soul compulsive collector of commercial knick-knacks
MITZY, ditzy waterlogged wedding day bride
TITO, streetwise zenwise Hispanic parking valet
BROODING FRENCH ART FILM GUY, rapt with the joyous melancholy of life
GOVERNOR/PIZZA
This play can be done with 5-7
actors. The age of these characters is largely unimportant with the exception of
the PIZZA
TIME:
The near future.
PLACE:
The suggested open interior of a rural ranch house. Stage right is a bedroom, small and piled with knickknacks, collections, keepsakes, and consumer products. Stage left, the living room. During much of Act One, stage left is an outdoor mountain hilltop.
LOST LOVE
ACT
I - “The Final One Hundred Years”
IN THE DARK, howling wind and rain pelting
down with great force.
After a few moments the rain and wind slowly
fade out.
SCENE
I
LIGHTS UP STAGE LEFT ON
MITZY, soaking wet in her wedding dress, clinging to a mountain hilltop at the
top of the world. Water and fire and chaos below. She looks down. Beat. She
looks back up at the audience.
MITZY
There are many things
to consider
when considering
a wedding cake.
You can go traditional
three tiers
vanilla
buttercream roses
and a little bride and groom
perched on the top.
Or you can think about
a cake with
perhaps
rolled fondant
or royal icing
or marzipan
or crystallized flowers
or even fresh edible flowers.
Marzipan
is really just
almond paste.
The reason it is called marzipan
and not almond paste
is that means,
the title marzipan,
that it is comprised of
at least twenty-five percent
almonds.
She looks down. Then quickly looks back up.
Fondant
is a sweet sugary icing
made
with gelatin.
Royal icing is
Royal icing
is
Royal icing is that stuff you see
dried
hard
in a fancy latticework
on the cake.
They say
if preserved properly
the cake will last
forever.
She looks down.
She looks back up.
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!
Blackout.
ACT I SCENE II
The sound of a gentle
rain. Soft blue light washes up on the bedroom, emanating from the television
set. A king size bed in a room crammed with knickknacks and decorative
jingety-jongs. Fancy stuff bought from around the world. Silly stuff bought
because it was on sale. Trivial stuff bought because it was for sale. Comforting
stuff bought because the buyer was depressed.
From under the bed
covers, the panting of a couple making love. The sheets rise and fall to their
rhythm as we hear from the TV:
BROODING FRENCH
As mankind hurtles through its final one hundred years, many questions arise…
What did we, the human race, do right?
What did we do wrong?
If we could go back in time and start all over again,
from the very first ape,
the very first ape who dared to stand upright,
what might we change?
How might we do things differently?
Just the sound of sex for a time.
How may we have better used our time and resources
on this small planet
this dense sphere of matter
spinning precariously at one thousand forty-one miles per hour
at the edge of the Milky Way Galaxy
at the far end of the universe
at the far end of time…
Just the sound of sex
for a time. Under the blanket the couple pauses, switches positions, and then
resumes sex.
The voiceover
continues, now accompanied by images which are projected over the lovers and
across the back wall of the bedroom: amoebas, stone-age man hunting and gathering,
the planets in their orbits, glaciers receding. During this narration the
couples’ sex becomes increasingly agitated.
When that very first ape man
first used
the first tool
to help take down a large animal,
perhaps a mastodon…
knowing what we know now,
would another ape man,
perhaps a man named Thor,
have turned to this creator,
this inventor,
this innovator,
this first modern ape-man,
Bagog the Tool User,
and said,
“No. You mustn’t.
Put that stick down.
Let that stick remain
a stick.
The other
way…lies madness.”
JAN breaks away and rolls over.
JAN
Madness!
BARB rolls over grabs the remote, snapping off the TV.
BARB
Why do you have to have that stupid show on? It’s depressing.
JAN
Madness is THAT the problem?
BARB
We should get up.
BARB rolls out of bed and begins putting her clothes
on.
JAN
Madness why?
BARB
There was a lot of stuff we wanted to do today.
JAN
You mean there was a lot of stuff YOU wanted to do today.
BARB
With you.
Things I wanted to do with you.
JAN
Madness with me.
Like what?
BARB
Like go to the flea market.
Look for a new bed.
Feed the ducks down at the pond.
Fun stuff.
JAN
And how will that help?
BARB
Help what?
JAN
Us. The refugees. The planet. Everything.
How will that help?
BARB
It will help because they are constructive things we can do with our Sunday.
JAN
Is that really any better than doing DE-STRUCTIVE things with our Sunday?
Why don’t we
take all the stuff we already bought at the flea market and take it outside, put
a
BARB
I hate it when you get like this!
JAN
I hate it that you never get like this!
BARB
We just had sex,
and it was nice,
wasn’t it?
Can’t you just enjoy yourself for one day?
JAN
Oh, we just had sex.
Is that what we just did?
And it was nice.
Is that how it was?
Thanks for the update.
JAN
(whispers)
I didn’t come-did you?
BARB
Gross. I’m leaving.
JAN
JAN
THE WORLD IS RIGHTED IN ITS ORBIT!
BARB
I’m going out to do things.
I’m going to enjoy the day whether you want to or not.
JAN
Well, no, I don’t.
Want.
I’m staying in bed.
That’s MY little way of enjoying myself today.
BARB
Suit yourself.
JAN
Thank you, I will.
Suit myself.
Everybody else seems to be busy suiting themselves.
Suiting themselves.
UN-suiting themselves.
Suiting themselves and un-suiting themselves.
So maybe I won’t.
Suit myself.
I don’t think I’ll suit myself at all today.
I think I’ll just lay here naked and
watch the television
prop an ice cold beer between my breasts
and drink it through a straw like some
kind of poor white trash character in a
made for TV movie.
Maybe maybe maybe.
The world is my oyster.
BARB
Great, Oyster Girl.
I’ll see you later.
BARB turns and exits.
JAN
(calling after her)
MADNESS!
JAN collapses back into the bed.
She grinds herself into the sheets, wailing.
Lights slowly fade to black.
Act I Scene
Lights back up on MITZY at the top of the world.
MITZY
Once you leave behind the original form
the traditional wedding cake
you’ve also left behind a certain sort of safety net
a certain assuredness
that everything will go well
that you can expect,
demand even,
a reasonably good outcome.
In seeking to improve upon
an age-old success story,
in moving out beyond the borders of what
is known and safe among wedding cakes,
you tread the icy edge of frosted disaster.
But with this treachery also comes
the opportunity for greater reward.
A certain thrill.
To know you are Kings of Your Destiny.
A knowledge
that perhaps,
me and Herman
are the only people in the world
with this
wedding
cake.
Maybe the only two people
to ever
have a wedding cake
in this size
in this shape
with this many tiers
and that kind of frosting
and this much royal icing
in this particular design…
and our own special touch
circled delicately around the rim
a fragrant ridge of low bush blueberries.
And high above it all,
suspended over the top tier,
three graceful angels
sweeping down from the heavens
a feathery cavalry
circling in to watch over
and protect
our little plastic bride and groom
on their wedding day
Pause.
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!
I’M UP HERE!
SOMEBODY!
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!
TITO, exhausted and
soaking wet in his tuxedo, appears next to her on the hilltop. He speaks with a
thick accent.
TITO
I hear you.
Stop screaming.
MITZY
Oh! Hello!
It’s so good to see someone.
Who are you?
Are you in my wedding party?
I see you’re wearing a tuxedo
but then
I don’t recognize you, so
you’re probably not with
the wedding party.
I mean, I didn’t invite you.
You’re not…
one of those infamous wedding crashers, are you?
Like the ones they made the movie about?
I didn’t see the movie
but I heard about it,
people kidded me,
make sure you don’t have any of those
wedding crashers, they said.
You don’t look like a wedding crasher.
Not that you couldn’t be.
I hope you don’t take that as an insult
and I mean
I’m not just saying this because you’re Hispanic
-you are Hispanic, aren’t you?-
but I don’t think you’re with the wedding party
and you don’t look like a wedding crasher
so you must be…
one of the waiters?
Right?
No. The waiters at our wedding were wearing
white shirts with maroon vests
and so…
you are…
A RESCUER!
Of some kind?
From FEMA?
Or the Coast Guard
or the Navy Seals
or the Red Cross even?
A very well-dressed rescuer
come to rescue me?
TITO
NO.
MITZY
Oh.
That’s too bad.
Because I’d really like to leave now.
Pause.
Although I admit
it would be unusual
for an emergency rescuer
of any kind
to be so nicely dressed.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that,
being a nicely dressed rescue person.
Quite the contrary!
I believe in being nicely dressed. In general.
As a general principle.
Do you know why?
TITO stares at her blankly.
Because it makes a person feel better
at least me
about oneself
to know that you’re nicely dressed-
that you look good.
It enhances self-esteem.
And what better time to have that little
boost in self-esteem
that comes from knowing that you look good
than during a tragic rescue scenario?
Right?
TITO
That’s a very good point, really.
If I ever do become a rescuer,
like a paramedic or a fireman or something,
I’ll be sure to remember that.
MITZY
Well…
it was just a thought.
Pause.
So you’re
NOT a rescuer then?
TITO
STOP ASKING THAT!!!
MITZY
Geez, sorry…
TITO
I’m a valet.
I parked your mother’s car three hours ago.
She was a total fuckin’ bitch.
Blackout.
ACT I SCENE IV
Lights up on JAN, now
partially dressed, lying propped up on pillows in bed. She lies with a beer on
her chest which she sips from a straw. She is drunk.
From the television we
hear the GOVERNOR speaking to a live audience. As the GOVERNOR speaks, the
lights come up to half on TITO and MITZY who cling to their hilltop and scan the
horizon for help.
GOVERNOR
Today, as I speak,
there are still many, many, of you out there
in the cold, wet, darkness,
waiting desperately for needed assistance.
And if you can hear me
-somehow-
I want to say
hang in there
help IS on the way.
CHEERING from the TV audience.
And yet we know we’re not alone in our struggle.
We, as citizens of this strong, compassionate, and determined country
know we can count on support continuing to pour in from all around this land,
people like you out there watching right now-who have decided to call in today to say
I am here.
I care.
And I want to help.
SOMBER CHEERING from the TV.
So I would like to thank you all
and ask you to keep us in your prayers.
God bless you,
and God bless THIS GREAT COUNTRY!!!
TV
And now
let’s get back to the music, and remember, the phone lines are still open with
plenty of celebrity operators standing by to take your call. I see George
Clooney is free-
JAN flips the channel
with the remote and lights go down on TITO and MITZY. BROODING FRENCH
BROODING FRENCH
Would another ape man,
perhaps a man named Thor-
JAN
(sitting up)
Oh! This is my favorite!
BROODING FRENCH ARTS
have turned to this creator,
this inventor,
this innovator,
this first modern ape-man, Bagog the Tool User,
and said,
BROODING FRENCH ART
FILM GUY enters the bedroom and speaks from beside the bed.
BROODING
FRENCH
No. You mustn’t.
JAN
You mustn’t.
BROODING FRENCH
Put that stick down.
JAN
Put that stick down.
BROODING FRENCH
Let that stick
remain a stick.
JAN
Let that stick remain a stick.
BROODING FRENCH
For the other way…lies madness.
JAN
MADNESS.
BROODING FRENCH
JAN
In failing to use the stick
to take down the mastodon,
Thor may have,
at least temporarily,
altered the direction of life on the planet,
and,
perhaps,
even enhanced
the longevity of this race
called human beings.
BARB enters the doorway of the bedroom, unnoticed, with a
dozen roses.
She watches silently,
perplexed by whatever it is that JAN is doing. BROODING FRENCH
JAN
But to what end?
To make this singular sacrifice
for the good of the many?
If those ape-men,
Thor and Bagog,
had abandoned the stick
had failed to take down the mastodon
their clan may have starved to death
before the month was out-
only to be replaced
by another clan
who dared
to use the stick.
It is important to note
that the formal idea of months
did not yet exist.
BARB
WHAT are you doing?
JAN and BROODING FRENCH ART FILM GUY look up,
surprised.
JAN
Helloooooo!
BARB
Hi.
JAN clicks off the TV
with the remote. BROODING FRENCH
JAN
Are those for me?
BARB
Yes.
JAN
What’s the occasion?
Is it my birthday?!
Is it Christmas?!
New Years?!
No, you don’t give people flowers on New Years. You give them a kiss and some champagne and then some nookie.
Is it New Years?!
Then com’ ere and gimme some nookie!
I’m ready now
for some
NOOKIEEEEEEEEEE!
Valentine’s Day?!
Channuka?!
Oh Chanukah Oh Chanukah come light the menorah. Gather round together like we all gathered befora. That’s not how it goes. You’re the Jewish one, you tell me. How does it go?
Pause.
I’m soooo drunk.
BARB
No kidding.
At least you put your clothes back on.
JAN
I had to.
The beer was too cold and it made my nipples hurt.
She squints at BARB. Confused.
So what holiday is it?!
BARB
It’s not. A holiday.
JAN
Oh.
BARB
I just thought…
I just thought you could use
something.
I know how much you like things
pretty things
little gifts.
I brought you flowers.
She holds out the flowers to JAN.
JAN stares at them a
moment.
She turns away and
picks up the remote and snaps the TV back on. She clicks back to the telethon.
We hear music, a sort of rising bluesy jam. She turns up the volume and extends
her hand to BARB.
JAN
Come dance with me, Ma Cherie.
BARB looks at her skeptically.
JAN begins to dance on
the bed, and continues to reach out to BARB as she dances.
Come. Come dance with me.
BARB stays put.
JAN gestures seductively. She turns up the sound even more.
JAN continues to dance.
Sultry, ecstatic, grievous, she sways, as she begins to
sing along with the music.
Come dance with me.
Come dance, Ma Cherie.
Come dance with me and
show me you love me
and love me much better
than you loved me before.
Show me you love me
show me
my lover
that you love me
so lovely
with
your lovely love.
Love me much better
my lovely lover.
Love me the way that I
love to be loved.
Because I
love to be loved.
I love
to be loved
I love
to be loved
by you
my lovely
lovely lover.
BARB cannot bear it any more and bashes JAN with the
flowers.
BARB
I BROUGHT YOU FLOWERS!
JAN, arms out wide,
does not respond, but continues to circle and sway ecstatically to the
music.
BARB begins bashing JAN repeatedly with the flowers.
BARB
I BROUGHT YOU FLOWERS!
I BROUGHT YOU FLOWERS!
I BROUGHT YOU FLOWERS!
JAN finally stops dancing.
The music continues to blare.
BARB, lost in her rage,
continues to bash JAN with the flowers, sending petals across the bed until only
stems remain.
I BROUGHT YOU FLOWERS!
I BROUGHT YOU FLOWERS!
I BROUGHT YOU FLOWERS!
BARB continues to shout and whip JAN with the stems.
JAN mutes the TV.
BARB stops and looks up.
Pause.
BARB holds the stems out to her.
BARB
(sheepishly)
I brought you flowers.
Pause.
JAN
Thank you.
JAN takes the stems.
She cheerfully divides them among her beer cans into several bouquets. She
stands back and admires the arrangements a moment. Then she notices the flower
petals in bed and begins to roll seductively in them, playfully sprinkling them
across herself.
JAN
(gesturing provocatively)
Come hee-eere.
BARB
Not now, Jan.
JAN
Come HEEE-EERE.
BARB
No. Not now!
JAN stops.
Pause.
JAN
I don’t satisfy you sexually.
BARB
That’s not true.
JAN
I repulse you.
BARB
No.
JAN
I’m no longer important to you.
BARB
It’s not that.
It was never that.
Pause.
JAN
You should just leave.
I disappoint you.
I don’t excite you.
Don’t do it for you any more.
Fallen away
fallen apart
fallen down.
Fallen…fallen…fallen.
She collapses, drunken,
her energy gone, back down onto the bed.
BARB sits down beside her.
BARB
You’re just drunk.
Tomorrow will be better.
JAN
Do you love me?
BARB
You know I do.
(looking at the TV)
What are you watching?
JAN
I don’t know that I know that you do.
I don’t know that I know what love is any more.
Do you still like it when I wear my tear-drop eye liner?
BARB
Of course. But you’re pretty without it, too.
JAN
Am I still your sad, sexy girl?
Do I still turn you on?
All that make-up
if I put it on again
wilting around my saucy brown eyes
would you still come and rescue me
like you did.
From across the bar
know that I needed you
that I was drowning,
come and save me
clean me up and
clean me out
and
love me
like you did.
Save me from
everything
that I need saving from…
even if now
it’s you.
TELL ME YOU LOVE ME.
BARB
I just told you.
JAN
Say it five times.
BARB rises.
BARB
I’m going out.
JAN
It doesn’t matter.
Words, words, words.
BARB is at the door of the bedroom.
I’ve been studying.
Studying all the love songs all day long
while I watched the telethon.
BARB
So that’s what you’re watching.
JAN
This telethon thingee.
For the victims,
the evacuees,
the refugees,
whatever they’re calling them today.
They’re raising money for them.
The pop stars.
And they mostly play old pop music.
Pop music for the refugees.
Because they’re people just like us
the refugees
just like you and me,
lying, cheating lesbians falling out of love,
and the only difference between us and them
is that they’ve lost
their homes.
Because we still have our home, right?
We just don’t know what to put in it.
All this junk.
(looking around)
What is all this junk doing in our house?
BARB
(turning to leave)
I’ve gotta go.
JAN
SOOOO
there’s this bunch of
old pop stars playing old pop music.
And all the songs are about love
BUT
half the songs are about how he’ll always love her
and the other half are about how he no longer loves her.
So how does he know he’ll always love her?
That his love-you-always-and-forever love song won’t turn into a
don’t-love-you-anymore-I’m-leavin-you love song?
What if he meets someone else that very same night
after he just told her he’d always love her
and he says,
oh, no,
I’ve made a mistake!!!
THIS is that special person
I am meant to be with,
right here
not you-
I was mistaken!
Or what if he stops in to see her that night
and he finds that he no longer feels love for her
and he wants to
he really does,
he reaches down deep
and tries to see her the way he first saw her,
when he spied her across the green lawn in her white dress at the company picnic
and he wondered what department she worked in
and how would he arrange to bump into her
or find some excuse to do a project together
if it was at all possible to do without being
too obvious.
BARB
Are you talking about Aunt Kate and Uncle Bill?
JAN
And he decided that, yes, he would risk being too obvious
and he did
risk it
because he knew his life was changed,
something in him had just opened so wide
that he would never be the same again.
But now, tonight, he strains,
he just can’t help it
he doesn’t remember the feeling
can’t find that open space for her to swim inside
he’s not the same person
his body has changed
his spirit has moved on
to a new place
with a new love
BARB
They broke up because of his gambling problem.
JAN
And that’s what happens to everyone.
It just does.
It’s the ugly little truth that no one wants to talk about
because, well,
there’s just so much chocolate to sell.
She slumps down in the bed, exhausted in her
drunkenness.
Why does he say that?
Sing that?
That he’ll love her forever?
How does he know?
Forever is a long time.
How does he know?
JAN passes out.
BARB makes her way back
to the bed.
She cleans up around JAN.
She gets into bed next to JAN.
She gently strokes her hair.
BARB
He doesn’t know.
He just knows
that he wants to.
BARB clicks off the
bedside light. She watches the TV in silence. The blue and black light washing
over her. She takes the remote from JAN’s hand and clicks off the TV.
Blackout.
ACT I SCENE V
Lights back up on the mountain hilltop.
TITO
She was all like
“And you’d better not scratch my new Lexus. I just bought it.”
MITZY
Well, that seems like a reasonable request.
TITO
It wasn’t a request,
it was
like
something else.
Like a threat.
The kind of threat
you make to somebody
you know
you can get away with
threatening.
Tell the guy whose job it is to park cars
not to screw up parking your car?
You ever told your doctor
“Make sure not to knick a hole in my colon
while you’re takin’ out my spleen”?
Pause.
MITZY
I’ve never had my spleen out.
TITO
Well, would you?
If you ever did have your spleen taken out?
Pause.
MITZY
Is the colon even NEAR the spleen?
Pause.
TITO
HEEEEEELP!
HEEEEEELP!
SOMEBODY, SAVE ME!
HEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!
Silence.
Only the far away hum of helicopters.
TITO and MITZY peer forlornly into the distance.
MITZY
Everybody’s off fighting in the war.
TITO
No one left to help.
Silence.
Slow fade to black, as day turns to night.
Night turns back to day.
ACT I SCENE VI
Lights up on JAN
watching TV in bed. There is garbage scattered all around her, an empty Chinese
food container, a half-eaten box of chocolates, etc. BROODING FRENCH ART FILM
GUY is sitting on the bed next to JAN sharing a gallon of ice cream with her.
JAN recites BROODING FRENCH ART FILM GUY’s narration, badly mimicking his
accent, while he eats ice cream.
As JAN’S documentary
narration unfolds, more images wash over the bedroom: the NYSE ticker with busy
traders rushing about under it, a bugler playing taps in front of a row of
flag-draped coffins, a room full of NASA engineers watching the space shuttle
lift off, the flashing lights of Broadway with people bustling in the
JAN
What has the concept of the month brought us?
In what way is the idea of a month more useful
than the passing of a moon?
When did time
become
time?
And why is this important in the
modernization
and westernization
of this green and blue planet?
JAN reaches over and
takes a spoonful of ice cream. She pauses for a moment in her narration while
she and BROODING FRENCH ART FILM GUY eat ice cream and ponder this question.
Without time
there can be no efficiency of commerce.
Without an efficiency of commerce
the average level of individual health and longevity on the planet
declines.
BARB enters the bedroom
unnoticed and watches as JAN continues her trancelike recitation.
Yet, averages can be deceiving.
As the statistician says:
If you put a man’s head in an oven
and his feet in a freezer,
BROODING FRENCH ART FILM GUY
on average
JAN
he is comfortable.
BROODING FRENCH ART FILM GUY
In reality
JAN
he is dead.
BARB
Are you
still watching that stupid documentary?
JAN and BROODING FRENCH
ART FILM GUY look up. The documentary slide goes out.
BROODING FRENCH ART
FILM GUY puts the ice cream down.
BROODING FRENCH ART FILM GUY
(whispering to JAN as he exits)
Excusez-moi.
JAN
It’s you, Honey!
You’re home!
Home from your big day at the office.
BARB
Is that to say that you didn’t go in again today?
BROODING FRENCH ART
FILM GUY changes his mind, goes back over to the bed, and grabs the ice cream
and takes it with him.
JAN
No. I didn’t go in.
BARB
Great.
JAN
I COULDN’T go in.
BARB
Why not?
JAN
It just wouldn’t be appropriate.
BARB
WHY NOT?
JAN
Because I don’t work there any more.
BARB
YOU
JAN
NO.
I quit.
BARB
YOU QUIT?!
YOU QUIT?!
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, YOU QUIT???
JAN
I didn’t want to work there any more
so I quit.
BARB
WHAT?!
JAN
I’m freeing up my life,
finding my true north,
realigning my karma,
contacting my inner self
awakening my deity,
following my bliss.
You know, all that good stuff.
Looking over at the TV.
Oh, I love this part!
JAN clicks the sound
back on and speaks along with BROODING FRENCH ART FILM GUY VOICEOVER.
JAN/BROODING FRENCH
With fires
raging in the west, and floods rising in the east, there could be no doubt that
this devious climate shift was well under way-
BARB yanks the remote out of her hand and clicks off the
TV.
She spikes the remote on the bed next to JAN.
BARB
WHAT IN
FUCKETY FUCK
THIS LYING AROUND THE HOUSE
QUESTIONING
YOUR
US
THE WORLD
EVERYTHING,
IT WAS OKAY
IT WAS FINE
AFTER
IT WAS FINE
FOR A FEW WEEKS.
But now we have certain responsibilities,
you know,
and if you are going to stay here,
if we are going to stay here,
together,
even just for now,
well,
there are certain responsibilities that you have.
JAN
What are those responsibilities?
BARB
You know what they are!
JAN
No. I don’t.
I can’t remember.
That’s why I quit my job.
I’ve decided that somewhere along the line I lost my way
and so I’ve decided to devote myself to a more spiritual life.
BARB
WHAT SPIRITUAL
LIFE?!
JAN
I’m watching the Discovery Channel.
I’m DISCOVERING things.
It’s amazing what you can learn about the world
without ever leaving your room.
I’m tuned in now.
I’m “turned on
and tuned in.”
BARB
WELL…
The responsibilities you share in this household,
which it seems you no longer have the money for
are:
paying the mortgage,
paying the electric bill
paying the gas bill
paying the lawn boy
buying groceries
paying credit card bills
paying the water bill
paying the phone bill
paying the internet bill
making car payments
buying gas for your car
paying car insurance
paying taxes on your car
paying taxes on our house
keeping up our house
you know,
a home
like you said
with nice things in it
all these nice things that you love so much
fun things and nice things and beautiful things
like your collection of porcelain dolls
and your pressed flower books
and your antique photographs.
JAN
(shrugs)
All junk.
BARB
And Christmas presents on Christmas.
You love Christmas.
A nice holiday turkey feast on Thanksgiving with friends.
A bottle of your favorite wine to share on cold winter nights.
Snuggling with your girlfriend and watching a movie.
(pause)
BILLS!
WE’VE
THAT’S WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A RESPONSIBLE MEMBER OF SOCIETY,
YOU HAVE TO PAY YOUR BILLS!
HOW
Pause.
JAN
What happens if we don’t?
BARB
PAY THE BILLS?!
JAN
Yes.
The electric bill, for example.
Let’s stop paying that one first.
Now what happens?
BARB
We’re not going to stop paying the electric bill.
Why are you talking so crazy?
JAN
Why not?
I vote we stop paying the electric bill.
What’s your vote?
BARB
NO!
JAN
Hmmn.
Well, let’s see…
that’s a one-to-one tie.
This is a toughie,
but,
since you cheated on me,
I win the tie.
BARB
They’ll turn off the electricity!
That’s what’ll happen, you moron!
JAN
When?
BARB
I don’t know when-it doesn’t matter!
You’ve gone completely crazy.
When you were partially crazy, I admit
there was something I liked about it
something a little sexy
a little wild
a little naughty,
but now,
you’ve slipped over the edge
into bona fide Looney Ville
and there is
NOTHING
attractive about it.
JAN
I think it would take a while.
Before they shut off the electricity.
I think I could watch TV for a good long time before they finally
cut the power,
threw the switch,
did whatever it is they do
so that the TV doesn’t work any more.
Yes…
a good long while.
Just me
and the TV
and some Mallomars.
Do you think they throw an actual switch?
Flip off some kind of switch in a dank dark concrete back room somewhere?
Our switch.
Our little switch
amongst a long row of dimly lit, grimy little switches
each with a piece of masking tape above it
and that one
right over there,
has our names on it,
“Tyler and Walsh”
written with this smudged black marker
by the cranky guy who used to work for the company years ago
-old what’s his name-
who quit because they wouldn’t let him smoke by the back door anymore.
He was the one who wrote our names
in thick black marker
over the blue ball point pen of the previous tenant
“McAllister”
when we first moved in six years ago.
“Yeah, that one,
that’s the switch to throw”
says the new guy,
“those two lesbos haven’t paid their bill in months-
and I’m not homophobic
don’t get the wrong idea
I got nothing against two women being together like that
more power to ‘em
two sexy broads getting’ it on,
how can you beat that?
But if you don’t pay your bill-
like everybody,
my tolerance has limits
and the rules are the rules
and without the rules,
well, hey, where would we be?”
BARB
OH, MY
GOD.
YOU’RE ON DRUGS AGAIN.
JAN
What about the mortgage?
I vote we stop paying the mortgage next.
BARB
BECAUSE I CAUSED YOU ANXIETY, GRIEF, RIGHT?
OKAY, I UNDERSTAND HOW THIS GAME WORKS NOW.
WELL, IT’S NOT MY FAULT!!!
I DID SOMETHING TERRIBLE,
I KNOW THAT,
BUT I’M NOT MAKING YOU TAKE DRUGS!!!
JAN
No more holding things together.
No more worrying about losing things…
losing you.
This is what freedom feels like.
And it feels GREAT.
The mortgage is next.
How long do you think it will be before the bank comes to take away our home?
BARB
WHAT
WHERE
JAN shakes her head and flops back down onto the bed
dreamily.
BARB grabs hold of her.
WHERE
TELL
ME!!!
JAN
No drugs required.
BARB turns and begins
searching through the drawers, under the bed, under the mattress.
JAN
I’m clean as a thistle.
Listen to me whistle.
JAN begins to whistle
“
BARB
I AM NOT DOING THIS AGAIN.
NOT
AGAIN.
JAN
First they’ll turn off the power,
and then I’ll just lie in bed in the dark
and stare at the blank TV,
while I wait for the people from the bank to come
to take the house,
and move me and the furniture out into the street,
still sitting in my bed
out in the street
in my favorite blue and green PJs.
right where they cart me out and drop me,
the bank people, in their suits and ties,
all official like
and then I’ll just sit there
in my PJs
in my bed
and wait.
And what will happen next?
BARB pauses to look at
her before rushing into the bathroom. From offstage we can hear her begin
tearing through the cabinets and closets.
JAN
(calling off vaguely to the bathroom)
It’s probably not the bank people who come, huh?
Do you think?
I bet they hire somebody.
Some crew or something.
Big angly guys with scruffy faces and hard, squinty eyes,
big bulges on the sides of their waistbands
where they conceal their illegal hand guns.
BARB
(thrashing around in the bathroom)
GODDAMNIT!!!
JAN
But they’re not bad guys after all
not deep down
they just had a tough life
and ended up stuck here somehow
in this stinky town
in this stinky job.
They always planned on making it to
or
somewhere the living was easy
but they never quite made it
and they don’t know why
and they try not to think about it any more
how it all slipped away
because they’re still struggling
and they need this job right now
so they can eat
and pay their child support
and buy lotto tickets
and so they must do their job
this job
moving me out into the street.
I don’t resent them for it.
BARB wanders back into
the bedroom, defeated.
She plops down on the edge of the bed.
JAN
They look at me
with a sort of
curious compassion
strained through their guarded, steely eyes
compassionate, yes, but
unflinching
as they carry me out
bed and all
into the street.
And who can blame them?
These mover guys.
And although they feel for me
-as much as these men can still feel anything
with so much of life
having been systematically beaten out of them over the years-
they don’t really know me,
and they’ve become accustomed to this-
it’s all in a day’s work
blocking it out
holding it down
whatever feelings they might have left
because, it is, after all,
just their job.
And now they set me down in the street
and the bed hits the pavement with a
crunchy, metallic pop
and rattles a bit.
I shake for just a moment
my hands braced against the mattress.
The bed settles.
I regain my balance.
And then
stillness.
And it’s cold.
And it’s quiet.
And I’m sitting in my bed in the middle of the street
surrounded by all this stuff.
Sofas and
lamps and CDs and books and toasters and ironing boards and
And after a few moments
I look over to the house
what used to be our house
and I see
these official-looking people standing outside
-THESE must be the bank people-
and they are just finishing changing the locks.
BARB
I’M SORRY.
JAN
And they look over at me and call out
“GOOD LUCK”-
BARB
I’M SORRY.
I LOVE YOU
JAN
And then they head for their red pickup trucks-
BARB
I’M SORRY!
HOW MANY
TIMES CAN I
JAN
And their black Chevy Cavaliers-
BARB
I’M SORRY!
JAN
And their royal blue Mercury LeSabres-
BARB
I LOVE YOU
DO YOU
JAN
And then
they’re gone.
BARB
I’M SORRY!
I’M SORRY!
I’M SORRY!
I’M SORRY!
JAN
And I’m out in the street
in my bed
alone
just waiting
to see what will happen next.
BARB
I LOVE YOU
I KNOW
I HURT YOU!
IT WAS A TERRIBLE THING TO DO!
I’M SORRY!
JAN is fading further inside herself.
BARB jumps on the bed and grabs hold of her.
I’M SORRY!
I’M SORRY!
I’M SORRY!
I’M SORRY, MY LITTLE ANGEL,
MY SWEET, SWEET LITTLE ANGEL
I AM SO SORRY!!!
JAN
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
BARB begins to shake JAN, who continues to scream.
BARB
I’M SORRY!
I’M SORRY!
I’M SORRY!
I’M SORRY!
JAN
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
BARB
I’M SORRY!
I’M SORRY!
I’M SORRY!
I’M SORRY!
I’M SORRY!
Finally, they stop.
Exhausted.
Broken.
Crying.
JAN
(tiny, far-away)
I’ll just sit out in my bed
in my pjs
in the street
and wait.
BARB rocks JAN.
BARB
Our bed.
It’s our bed, Angel.
I’m sorry.
I’m so, so sorry.
I’m sorry, my little Angel.
Slow fade to black.
Across the darkness, a projection of the Milky Way.
A small arrow appears, “YOU
A slow streak of brilliant light across the night sky.
Blackout.
ACT I SCENE
Lights back up on the hilltop.
TITO
What are you talking about?
Everybody likes valet parking.
MITZY
Well, no, not everybody.
I don’t want to be rude,
disrespectful about your job,
especially given our situation here,
but,
not everybody
including this person
me
likes valet parking.
TITO
That’s crazy.
Everybody likes valet parking.
It’s like an extra special service
somebody parking your car
exceptional service
for the average man.
Or woman.
It’s like
your special day
today
when someone is going to
pay this much attention to
your luxury
for the last few feet of your trip
and they’re going to take special care
of your car
bring her around back
feed her some oats and water
brush down her coat
until its silky smooth
while you relax
inside
comfortable
and very pleased
that you didn’t have to get out of your car
in the rain
or the wind
or the snow
or the sleet
or the hail
or the fog
or the freezing cold
or the smoggy heat
and struggle across
the broiling hot pavement
sweat trickling down your armpits
your hair is wilting, losing its shape
after all that work to make it look
just right-
and before you even get inside
for everybody to admire it.
VALET PARKING.
What’s not to like?
Pause.
MITZY
I’d rather not say.
TITO
Come on now, you must say.
You just spoke out against my profession
and I must know why.
MITZY
I’d rather not say.
TITO
Why?
Because you think I’ll get angry?
Because you’re afraid of me?
What, do you think I’ll kill you or something?
Pause.
Mitzy looks away.
I see…
TITO turns away, closes his eyes, and becomes quiet.
The sound of chaos below. MITZY looks down with
concern.
The sky glows in the distance.
MITZY squirms in the silence.
MITZY
Excuse me?
Excuse me?
Excuse me?
TITO
(struggling to remain polite, not opening his eyes)
Ye-es?
MITZY
Excuse me, am I interrupting something?
TITO
Ye-es.
MITZY
Sorry.
Silence.
MITZY
Excuse me?
Excuse me?
Excuse-?
TITO
YEE-EES?
MITZY
Sorry.
What is your name?
If you don’t mind my asking?
TITO
(still keeping his eyes closed)
Tito Morales.
MITZY
I’m Mitzy Miller.
I was Mitzy Rosenblatt before today.
TITO
Then it’s good that you got married.
MITZY
Yes.
I suppose.
Silence.
Tito?
Tito?
TITO
Yes.
MITZY
Did I hurt your feelings?
TITO
No.
Yes.
A little.
It’s okay.
MITZY
Are you not talking to me any more?
TITO
No.
Yes, I am still talking to you.
Just not at this moment.
At this moment
I am trying to be quiet
because I am practicing my meditation.
MITZY
Oh, okay, I know all about meditation!
Why didn’t you just say so?
Oh-because you were meditating!
I LOVE meditation.
I used to do it in yoga class all the time.
Well, sometimes,
once in a while,
you know what I mean.
But I love the way it can really help calm you down during stressful periods.
I read that it even lowers your heart rate and blood pressure.
And, of course, what with all that’s happened,
all this death and destruction around us…
You’re try to calm yourself,
of course,
to bring yourself back to a peaceful place
in the middle of this…
“violent storm.”
Pause.
TITO
(eyes still closed, trying to meditate)
No. It’s just that I DID feel like killing you.
That’s what made me understand
that it was time to practice my zazen.
MITZY
Well,
that was…
thoughtful
of you.
TITO
(gradually opening his eyes)
My counselor taught me to meditate.
I have a bad temper.
Sometimes I punch people.
Not all the time.
Just when they say something that hurts my feelings.
That’s what I learned in therapy.
That I’m really quite sensitive.
Pause.
It’s okay for a man to be sensitive, you know.
MITZY
Of course.
TITO
Violence is not the answer to everything.
MITZY
I totally agree.
TITO
Just because some people
are bothering you
harassing you,
calling you faggot
and shit
when you’re not even gay,
well, just because they’re calling me these names
it doesn’t mean I should just crush them
use violence on them,
beat them,
shoot them,
crack their head with a baseball bat.
MITZY
Of course not.
TITO
No, violence is not the answer.
There are other options available to an individual.
And sometimes
what seems like strength
is not really strength at all,
just a traditional way of
masking male insecurity.
MITZY
Uh-huh.
TITO
Because it can often seem easier
to crush something
than learn to coexist with it.
Because then you don’t have to contend with
all of the difficulties that come with this
trying relationship,
which can in fact be
a hidden opportunity
for real growth.
MITZY
Hmmn.
TITO
Did you know that boys are more sensitive than girls?
MITZY
Uh, no, I didn’t.
TITO
If you take a baby away from its mother
on average
a baby boy will cry much faster than its female counterpart.
MITZY
Really.
TITO
They’re much more sensitive.
MITZY
I did not know that.
Pause.
TITO
My mother died when I was eight.
MITZY
Oh. I’m terribly sorry.
TITO
It’s okay.
I’m sorry about...
your wedding
and everything.
MITZY
I really can’t think about that right now.
TITO
Of course.
Pause.
Maybe everybody is okay.
MITZY
Maybe.
Long, uncomfortable silence.
MITZY
It’s not you, really.
It’s just the pressure.
TITO
Yes, of course.
Who knows whether we will live or die today.
And countless others…
our friends and loved ones
with the grace of God
perhaps still clinging to rooftops
waiting to be rescued.
The elderly
dehydrated
surrounded by dark, swirling waters
crying out for their medicine
clutching at their hearts
their children and grandchildren
no way to help
only to watch over them
and weep
and pray for a helicopter
and offer what little comfort
there is to offer.
A somber silence.
MITZY
Yes, that’s all true.
Of course.
But I was actually referring to the pressure
of valet parking.
TITO
Oh.
MITZY
That’s why I don’t like it.
It has nothing to do with you.
The whole pressure of the thing just makes me nervous.
TITO
What pressure?
There’s no pressure.
MITZY
Well, yes, yes,
yes there is.
First of all:
you have to turn your car over
to a complete stranger.
TITO
A professional valet.
MITZY
A professional valet, yes.
But a complete stranger, nonetheless.
So, from the time you realize
while pulling up
that it’s going to be valet parking
until you hand off the keys to the valet
you have about twelve seconds maybe,
if that much,
to scan the inside of your car
to put away things,
hide things-
TITO
WHAT things?
MITZY
Any things that you wouldn’t want a stranger to see.
TITO
A professional valet.
MITZY
A professional valet, yes.
TITO
But a complete stranger.
MITZY
Exactly-A COMPLETE STRANGER.
TITO
A HISPANIC complete stranger.
MITZY
I DIDN’T SAY THAT.
TITO
Who’s lower class
and has probably done some time in the big house, right?
MITZY
I didn’t.
Say that.
TITO
We haven’t
been in jail, you know.
MITZY
ANY complete stranger!
Any complete stranger
that you wouldn’t want to see certain things,
certain things that may be hanging around in your car.
EMBARRASSING things like:
tampons or condoms or sketchy photographs of you in lingerie
that you foolishly let your ex-boyfriend take when you were drunk.
Or VALUABLE things like:
money or gold watches or the pearl necklace that your grandmother gave you when you visited her in the hospital but that you just decided not to wear at the last minute while driving across town because it draws too much attention to your bust line and it really isn’t that kind of an affair.
Or
STRANGE things-
DANGEROUS things-
things that could land you in jail
troublesome things that you didn’t even know you owned
-because you DON’T really own them-
but that might have somehow ended up in you car anyways,
someone left them there,
a friend
or a relative
or someone who wants to frame you
to get back at you
for some perceived slight you did them
two years ago at a party
and you didn’t even know about it
the slight
because you really didn’t mean anything
they misunderstood why you were laughing
you weren’t even listening to their conversation
about how she had just miscarried for the third time
because that’s nothing to laugh about, is it?
It was something totally unrelated that caused you to laugh-
the host of the party
who takes so much pride in being
just so Mister Perfect
had frosting in his hair
that’s what was so funny
not some terrible offense to this other woman
who thought you were mocking her grief
and now-she is framing you,
and she has hidden something in your car to get you into trouble like
a gun,
or heroin,
or a terrorist bomb-making kit.
And so you only have twelve seconds
before you have to give up your car to this valet
this
PROFESSIONAL VALET
to find this
object and get rid of it,
scanning the area in the car around you
as you slowly pull up to the stand
and there’s not really enough time to check everywhere
nine seconds
the passenger’s seat
five seconds
the front floor
three
to hide this scary thing
two
the glove compartment
one second
a quick
check of the backseat-
He opens the door
-shoot, I didn’t get to check the trunk-
I should make up some excuse
some reason to check the trunk,
as he holds out his hand for your keys,
and you don’t want to seem suspicious
but maybe there’s a dead body in there?
He smiles and hands you your ticket.
Maybe the smell coming from the trunk will tip him off
and he’ll call the cops,
and then I’m off to prison
all because of some stupid frosting in some stupid guy’s hair!
But I thank the valet
as I walk away
in spite of myself
even though I HATE VALET PARKING
and I HATE THIS VALET
and I HATE THE WHOLE WORLD RIGHT NOW,
but I thank him
because I don’t want to seem rude
and because I don’t want him to key my car or
take it out joyriding or something
and…
because that’s all there is left to do.
The worst twelve seconds of my day.
That is, until I have to return to valet parking at the end of the affair
to pick up my car.
Pause.
TITO
They’ve never actually found a dead body in the trunk of your car, have they?
MITZY
Of course not, that’s not the point!
What I’m trying to tell you-
(realizing)
Ohhhh!
TITO
(nodding)
Only found two so far.
MITZY
OHHHHHHHHH…
TITO
(pointing to
the sky)
TITO starts franticly
waving and screaming.
TITO
HEY!
OVER HERE!
WE’RE OVER HERE!
MITZY sees the helicopter and joins in.
MITZY/TITO
OVER HERE!!!
WE’RE OVER HERE!!!
HEEEEEEEELLLP!!!
The sound of the
helicopter grows as it moves in closer to them. When it gets overhead, the wind
from the helicopter blows powerfully across TITO and MITZY, who cling to the
hilltop. A rope ladder drops from above. TITO helps MITZY onto the ladder and
she climbs, swaying back and forth as she fights against the wind. TITO makes
his way up after her, and they disappear into the rafters.
Lights fade to black.
SET CHANGE: A bunch of
“NEIGHBORLY STAGE HANDS” enter and give JAN money and then begin carting away
the hilltop, as well as all of the junk and furniture from the bedroom, leaving
only the TV and the bed.
During this “yard sale”
the AUCTIONEER comes to the front of the stage and begins auctioning off the
world. The stage hands intermittently holler out bids, pay JAN money, and haul
off items.
AUCTIONEER
Up next,
Can I have
thirty thousand dollars for
That’s
right, folks,
a veritable bargain.
NEIGHBORLY STAGE
Thirty!
AUCTIONEER
I have thirty thousand; do I hear thirty-four-thirty-four-thirty-four?
NEIGHBORLY STAGE
Thirty-four!
AUCTIONEER
Yes, I’ve got thirty-four. Do I hear thirty-six?
Thirty-six-thirty-six-thirty-six?
Yes, that’s
all I’m looking for folks, a measly thirty-six for
Doesn’t get any better than this!
Thirty-six
thousand dollars for
Do I hear thirty-six? Thirty-six? Thirty-six?
No?
Thirty-six, Thirty-six, can I get a thirty-five?
Thirty five-thirty-five-thirty-five?
Can I get a thirty-five?
The NEIGHBORLY STAGE
HANDS, who having finished their work, are beginning to leave. AUCTIONEER calls
out to them as they are leaving.
C’mon now, folks,
here we’ve
got
home to some of the world’s richest deposits of coal, natural gas, and offshore oil,
can I get a lowly thirty-five?
Thirty-five-thirty-five-thirty-five,
Going for thirty-four.
Going once.
Going twice.
SOLD!
for thirty-four thousand dollars.
The sound of an enormous gavel crashing down.
As the sound
reverberates, the lights fade to a murky, primordial ooze. The sound of
bullfrogs, insects, and tropical birds. JAN exits and reenters carrying large
plants in pots. She begins placing them around the empty living room and in the
bedroom, assisted by the STAGE HANDS.
After a few moments we
hear the growl of a large wild animal. JAN and STAGE HANDS stop their work and
look up. The animal growls louder. The STAGE HANDS run offstage. JAN scurries
into the bedroom, jumps in bed, and pulls the covers up tight. She peers out
into the darkness as the lights fade to black.
ACT I, SCENE VIII
Lights up on BARB and
JAN standing in the stage left side of their house, where the mountain top was,
now just a big empty living room filled with plants. BARB runs around the room
in shock.
BARB
The sofa?!
JAN
Sold.
BARB
The end table?!
JAN
Salvation Army.
BARB
The bookcases?!
JAN
That little farmer lady down the street.
Seems she reads a lot.
She was happy to get all her books off the floor, she said.
BARB
WHAT IN GOD’S NAME HAVE YOU DONE???!!!
JAN
I’m downsizing.
Simplifying.
Getting back to the basics.
I decided you were right,
I’m far too materialistic
working night and day
just so I can buy more cute stuff.
It’s just stuff.
It’s no wonder you lost interest in me.
I lost interest in me.
And so I’ve decided I’m really to blame for what happened.
BARB
No, you’re not, but-
JAN
I didn’t pay attention to our true needs.
To YOUR true needs.
To MY true needs.
So I quit my job
and sold off all our stuff.
Well, most of it.
We’re returning to the basics.
We need:
I decided
-sorry, you were at work-
a bed,
to insure restful sleep,
and a television,
to stay connected to our fellow man
through CNN, the Discovery Channel, and reality TV.
HAPPINESS IS
NOT A HOUSE
BARB
What?
WHAT?
WHAT???!!!
JAN
“If only we had a full sofa for this room.
That would be just wonderful,
give us somewhere else to sit
somewhere big and soft and cushy,
and then we could entertain our family and friends more comfortably.”
So we went to the store, and purchased our new sofa,
and it was really lovely
and when it was delivered,
we’re just SO EXCITED.
BARB
We WERE excited! I loved that sofa!
JAN
For about one day.
And then I thought,
“We have this lovely sofa now,
but wouldn’t it be really great
if instead of this ugly little thing here,
we had a really cute end table to go next to it?
That would look just so perfect.”
BARB
I KNOW. I
WAS THERE. I
JAN
So we struggled and saved and tried to get together enough extra money-
but we weren’t quite making it so instead we just
pulled out one of our seven credit cards
and we went back to the store and bought an end table,
and, no, it wasn’t one of the ones on sale that we thought we were going to buy,
but they weren’t nearly as cute, right?
And didn’t match as well either,
and, I mean, it’s no wonder they were on sale!
So now we have this cute end table
to match our lovely new sofa…
“but wouldn’t it be super,
just super-duper”
I started to think,
“wouldn’t it be just super-duper-pooper-scooper
if we had…
one of those
authentic
JAN/BARB
CHINESE LAMPS-
BARB
-I KNOW,
I ALREADY KNOW THE FUCKIN STORY.
NOW SHUT UP.
JAN
-I’ve always wanted
to adorn the end table?”
and so now we have this great Chinese lamp
that we bought at the Pottery Barn
to go on our super cute end table
that matches our lovely new sofa
and it illuminates the walls so beautifully!
So beautifully, in fact,
that it makes the walls seem…
well,
kind of empty…
Like there should be
a PAINTING
there!
And what would be just really super duper scrum-dilly-olly-ooper-
the painting that I really want for that wall,
that I’m completely, hopelessly, in love with,
is the one I saw at that uptown gallery,
you know the one, what’s it called?
the one that your friend Stan shows his work at?
BARB
SIMMA’S!
JAN
SIMMA’S, that’s right!
BARB
NOW WILL YOU PLEASE STOP!!!
FOR GOD’S SAKE,
I KNOW HOW THE STORY GOES!!!
JAN
And it’s by that handsome local Czech painter we love,
BARB
(throwing up her hands and walking away)
AAAAAAAAH I GIVE UP!!!
BARB makes her way
around the apartment, searches for items to pack. JAN pursues her with the
story. BARB occasionally shouts her matching lines over her shoulder as if to
say “I KNOW THE FUCKIN STORY.”
JAN
and it’s affordable,
well, ALMOST affordable,
and besides,
we’d be supporting a local artist.”
we buy it
we bring it home
and we LOVE it!
But…
well…
it’s just that…
JAN/BARB
IT DOESN’T MATCH THE NEW SOFA.
BARB
So now we
need a
the final sofa in this sofa love triangle
which will match the
JAN/BARB
NEW PAINTING
JAN
that is illuminated by the
JAN/BARB
NEW CHINESE LAMP
JAN
that adorns the
JAN/BARB
NEW END TABLE
JAN
that’s next to the old new sofa.
YOU
I TOLD YOU I WAS TO BLAME.
The sound of a
helicopter is growing as it approaches from the distance. Barb pauses to look up
before disappearing into the bathroom. JAN leans in the entranceway as she
attempts to conclude.
JAN
Just you
and me
and love
and communication
and maybe-or maybe not-I know, we’ll talk about it later-
a family.
And,
maybe,
again,
hopefully,
someday
trust.
BARB
(from the bathroom)
GOOD! GOD!
JAN
Just you and me.
And our TV.
And our bed.
And THAT’S IT.
Oh, and a little bit of food.
And a couple of items of clothing.
And love.
And that’s all.
Oh, and the toilet.
And the sink.
And…
Yes, that’s all.
BARB
SWEET JESUS!!!
JAN
Oh, and the stove.
But that’s all.
I think.
THE BASICS.
BARB burst out of the
bathroom and past JAN into the living room, making her way towards the door. The
helicopter, now growing loud, begins to descend from overhead. JAN and BARB stop
and look up.
BARB tries to shout
above the growing raucous, but during her speech she is gradually drowned out by
the wind and noise of the descending helicopter.
BARB
I’M LEAVING!
I’M SORRY ABOUT WHAT I DID!
I KNOW I HURT YOU!
IT WASN’T
THE
TO ADDRESS OUR PROBLEMS!
TO GO OUTSIDE THE RELATIONSHIP!
TO BREAK THE!
THE!
SACRED BOND OF TRUST!
AND
I’M TRULY SORRY!
BUT!
THERE’S NOTHING MORE FOR ME HERE!
GOODBYE!
PLEASE!
TAKE
I LOVE YOU!
I’LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!
I’VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU!!!
EVEN!
WHILE!
YOU KNOW!
I DID WHAT I DID!
The noise from the
helicopter is now deafening as lands in the yard.
Wind rips through the
house as the two women fight to keep their balance.
BARB
I WISH YOU-
BARB looks
up, battling the wind, and tries again.
I WISH YOU-
BARB looks
up, frustrated, and then tries again.
I WISH
YOU-
The helicopter suddenly
pulls up and away very quickly.
BARB looks up, confused by the sudden quiet, and loses her
momentum.
Nothing but the best.
Long pause.
JAN
WHAAAAAAAAAT?!
The doorbell rings.
BARB,
exhausted, sighs and shakes her head.
BARB
(to JAN)
Hold on.
(to door)
HOLD ON!
(She trudges to the door, calling over her shoulder to JAN.)
That better not be someone else coming over to buy the last of our stuff!
Because they can’t have it! It’s my stuff, too, and I’m not giving up
ONE MORE THING!
JAN
I have no idea who it is.
Probably the Mormons,
or what do they call themselves now?
The Latter Day Saints,
come to preach at us
call us dykes
tell us Jesus doesn’t love us
and then give us free Bibles.
Or the girl scouts
selling those addictive cookies.
Hey, I could go for a cookie about now.
Get a box of those mint chocolate ones, would you?
What are they called?
Milanos or something?
No, Milanos are something totally different,
I think
these ones are called…
That’s what they’re called!
I like those,
see if they have those.
BARB turns to open the door.
Or maybe it’s a teenager selling those high-priced chocolate bars
to keep the gang kids off of drugs.
I’ll take one of those, too, I guess,
but only if they have the dark chocolate with almonds.
BARB turns to look at JAN.
JAN
WHAT?!
BARB
JAN
I’M NOT
FREAKIN’ STOPPING YOU!
BARB turns and throws open the door.
On the other side stand TITO and MITZY in their tuxedo and
wedding dress.
TITO/MITZY
HI!
BARB turns to look at JAN.
JAN shrugs emphatically, “it wasn’t me!”
Blackout.
END OF ACT I
ACT II - “Welcome to the
Jungle”
SCENE I
Lights up.
MITZY and TITO are now huddled together inside the doorway.
JAN is in shock.
Awkward silence.
MITZY
Nice place!
BARB
Thank you.
MITZY
I like the…
sparse look.
BARB
Thank you.
MITZY
It’s very…
BARB
Empty?
MITZY
I think I was going to say
“organic?”
BARB shrugs.
Yes, organic!
Very…
NATURAL,
like…
NATURE!
BARB
Yes, it’s just like…
being outside.
Jan’s on some sort of
“back to nature kick,”
aren’t you, Jan?
Part of some movement or other
I haven’t heard of.
Right, Dear?
JAN, in a fog, doesn’t respond.
MITZY takes a step towards JAN and speaks loudly.
MITZY
I REALLY LOVE YOUR PLANTS.
WHERE DID
YOU
JAN just stares back at her.
BARB
Well, if I’m not mistaken,
just yesterday they were growing in the back yard.
Jan brought these plants in from the yard
because…
because…
because-WHY, JAN?
Jan is still staring at the guests.
Because Jan’s a funny girl!
That’s why.
And sometimes she likes to do funny things!
JAN
(muttering)
Storm.
BARB
WHAT’S THAT,
SOMETHING ABOUT A STORM?
No reply. To guests.
Something about a storm, I think.
Another awkward silence.
MITZY
Did we arrive at a bad time?
BARB
No, no, not at all.
No worse than usual.
(looking around)
We were just doing some
redecorating to the old place,
just a little renovation project
we’ve got under way here,
right, Honey?
JAN takes a few curious
steps towards the guests, trying to place exactly who they are and how they got
here. She waggles a finger curiously in their faces.
JAN
(muttering to herself)
Aaah. Doodah. Phonalitelite.
Micksum Yum
Call Call.
Pause.
BARB
Don’t mind her.
She’s harmless.
(then looking again around the living room)
Well, relatively.
(turning back to the guests)
NOOOO, it’s not a bad time.
It’s great to have you.
Isn’t it, Jan?
(nodding emphatically to JAN)
GREAT-TO-HAVE-THEM???
JAN still doesn’t answer.
BARB
(throwing up her hands)
WELLLLL,
you two must be hungry.
MITZY and TITO nod
emphatically with a robotic cheeriness.
MITZY/TITO
YES THANK
YOU!
BARB
Shall we find you something to eat?
MITZY/TITO
YES THANK YOU!
BARB
Oh, but I bet you’d like to get cleaned up first.
MITZY/TITO
YES THANK
YOU!
BARB
Oh, hold on.
JAN?
DO-WE-STILL-HAVE-A-BATH-TUB?
JAN nods slowly.
Great!
And I bet you’d like to put on some…
Turning to check with JAN.
FRESH-CLOTHES?
JAN nods slowly, but
makes a face that signals, “clothes-yes-but maybe not so much-and maybe not so
fresh.”
BARB
Great!
JAN…
why don’t you help our friends here get cleaned up?
JAN?
JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!?
JAN
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!!
Pause.
BARB
Why don’t you show our guests here to the bathroom, where they can clean up and put on some fresh clothes-that is whatever clothes we have left-while I go check to see what there is to eat in the kitchen.
JAN
Of course, of course.
Right this way.
(leading them off to the bedroom)
Are you two doing alright?
TITO /MITZY
YES THANK YOU!
JAN
(trying hard now to play the good hostess)
Yes, just follow me, I’ll get you some towels.
The three start to exit to the bathroom.
JAN halts suddenly.
TITO and MITZY stop behind her.
JAN
On second thought…
just use the ones hanging in the bathroom.
TITO/MITZY
YES THANK YOU!
BARB sighs and puts her head in her hands.
JAN leads TITO and MITZY into the bathroom upstage
right.
BARB exits through the
TITO comes out of the
bathroom with a towel over his shoulder and sits down on the bed to wait for his
turn in the shower.
After a moment JAN and BARB each return and meet in the
living room.
They glare at each other a moment silently…waiting.
As soon as MITZY turns on the shower in the bathroom,
they attack each other in a fierce whisper.
JAN
I was
drunk!
And it’s
YOUR FAULT!
BARB
I thought you just said it was YOUR fault?!
Pause.
JAN
Well…it was
a VERY persuasive telethon.
BARB
We can’t have them here!
They can’t stay.
We don’t even have any real food!
What in the heck did you do with all our food???
JAN
I gave it to the soup kitchen.
BARB
Yeah, all but two cans of soup!
JAN
Yes, well, I thought…
they’re a soup kitchen
THEY don’t need soup.
BARB
Why in the hell did you give everything away???!
Now we don’t have anything for these poor people.
We don’t even have anything for them to eat.
Or clothing.
Or towels.
Or beds
or chairs
or sofas-
you know,
PLACES TO SIT DOWN.
JAN
Or tables
Or end tables
or side tables
or bookcases.
You know, PLACES TO PUT THINGS.
or magazines,
or books,
or-
BARB
You gave away our books!!!???
JAN
There was nowhere to put them once I
gave away
the bookcases.
Or paper
or pens
or silverware
or-
BARB
Why in God’s name would you get rid of our silverware!?
JAN
Because the old farmer lady wanted it.
Don’t worry, I kept two soup spoons.
I also sold her
our board games
and card games
and chess set
and wooden
carved backgammon board from
and your 90s Trivial Pursuit.
You know, THINGS TO PLAY WITH.
BARB
I am so gonna kill you!
JAN
You already killed me!
Your lava lamp.
Your purple
aloe plant from
Your stamp collection.
Your signed picture of Bill Clinton-
BARB
YOU DIDN’T.
JAN
I DID.
BARB
(trying to remain quiet)
YOU. DIDN’T.
JAN
I. DID.
BARB
YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
DIDN’T.
JAN
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
DID.
BARB checks
her fury for a moment.
Then she loses control and leaps on top of JAN with a scream.
BARB
YOU HAD NO
RIGHT!!!
They wrestle on the
floor.
TITO turns and listens
to the melee from the bedroom.
BARB JAN
YOU HAD NO RIGHT!!! YOU MURDERED ME!!!
YOU HAD NO RIGHT!!! YOU MURDERED ME!!!
YOU HAD NO RIGHT!!! YOU MURDERED ME!!!
YOU HAD NO RIGHT!!! MURDERER!!!
YOU HAD NO RIGHT!!! BLOODY MURDERER!!!
YOU HAD NO RIGHT!!! BLOODY BLOODY MURDERER!!!
BARB manages to flip JAN over and climbs on top of her.
JAN
BLOODY
BLOO-
BARB grabs JAN by the throat and begins to throttle her.
BARB
MY
MY
MY AUTOGRAPHED BILL CLINTON PICTURE!!!
BARB continues to choke
JAN, and as they wrestle, they suddenly become aware of MITZY, singing in the
shower. They pause to listen.
MITZY
Down came the rain and
washed the spider out
out came the sun and
dried up all the rain
and the itsy bitsy spider
climbed up the spout again.
Down came the rain
down came the rain
down came
the rain…
Pause.
The shower turns off.
The sound of MITZY wailing.
TITO slowly rises and makes his way to the door.
The crying suddenly stops.
A moment of silence.
TITO sits back down on the bed.
The wailing begins again.
TITO rises and makes his way to the door.
The crying stops.
TITO sits back down.
The wailing resumes.
This time the crying does not stop for a while.
TITO rises and reluctantly makes his way over to door and
knocks timidly.
TITO
Mitzy?
Mittzy?
Are you okay?
The crying abruptly stops.
MITZY comes out of the bathroom, back in her dirty wedding
dress.
MITZY
Everyone I know is dead.
Silence.
Then gesturing.
Oh, I’m sorry. The bathroom’s all yours.
TITO
Uh…
thanks.
TITO begins to make his way into the bathroom, but then
turns around.
He attempts to wax poetic.
The thing is…
The thing to remember here…
is that sometimes…
what the world really wants…
for you…
for all of us…
in a situation like this…
a seeming sort of tragedy-
well, yes, a tragedy,
no question
of…
unfathomable proportions…
is…
to show you that…
life is really no more than…
(huge, vague gesture)
That is, if you had to look at it all in the whole sweep of things…
from birth to death…
life…
can be…
hard…
cruel…
unpredictable sometimes…
But just like with the spider
the sun may yet
come out again.
(He nods
unconvincingly, gives up, and gestures to the bathroom.)
Thank
you.
He quickly enters the bathroom and closes the door. We hear
the shower turn on.
MITZY makes her way
into the living room where BARB still lies on top of JAN. MITZY studies them a
moment.
MITZY
You two are lesbians.
BARB and JAN nod.
Then, realizing their position, quickly get up and dust
themselves off.
I washed up.
JAN/BARB
GOOD!
BARB
I was going to order a pizza. How does that sound?
MITZY
Great.
I haven’t eaten in three days.
I didn’t even get to try the food at my wedding.
Cheese and crackers,
fresh fruit,
melon wrapped in proscuitto.
Alaskan crab claws,
scallops wrapped in bacon,
spinach cheese puffs,
deep-fried ravioli with marinara sauce.
Chicken piccata with lemon sauce,
filet mignon with béarnaise sauce,
and my favorite…
baked stuffed shrimp.
Can we get shrimp on the pizza?
BARB/JAN
SURE!
MITZY
And mushrooms?
BARB/JAN
SURE!
MITZY
I used to pick mushrooms with my father
when I was little.
He was a kind man,
and he had the prettiest blue eyes.
BARB
Mitzy, he may still be alive, Honey.
MITZY shakes her head no.
MITZY
Only
Clarissa, who’s traveling in
That’s why she couldn’t come to the wedding.
That’s what she said, anyways.
If your best friend were getting married
and you were
traveling in
for a WHOLE YEAR
don’t you think you could adjust your plans
for just that one little weekend
to fly back for the wedding?!
(pause)
I don’t even have her number.
BARB
She’ll call looking for you, Honey.
MITZY
Where?
Oh my God, where will she call me???
How will she call me???
BARB
Here! Here!
We’ll have the agency forward your calls here!
Okay?
(MITZY nods her head,
growing teary. BARB rushes over to her and puts her arm around her.)
Good.
Everything is going to be okay.
(MITZY nods.)
Let’s get some food, huh?
MITZY nods.
BARB turns and shouts
through the bathroom door to TITO, who is taking a shower.
BARB
TITO!
HOW ABOUT!
SOME PIZZA?!
I THINK WE
COULD
USE SOME
TITO
(from the shower)
GREAAAAT!
I LOVE PIZZA!
BARB
HOW ABOUT
SHRIMP
Pause.
TITO
IS SOMEBODY PREGNANT?
MITZY
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
BARB/JAN
NOOOO!
BARB and JAN comfort MITZY.
TITO
OH!
I’M ACTUALLY A VEGETARIAN!
HOW ABOUT!
HALF!
JUST MUSHROOMS?!
BARB walks over to get the phone.
BARB
(to the women)
Okay, how about…
Following the phone
cord behind a plant, BARB finds that it is no longer connected to a phone. She
turns and shakes the end of the cord at JAN.
JAN
(holding out
her cell phone)
Sorry.
BARB sighs.
BARB
(turning to MITZY)
Don’t worry,
I’ll call tomorrow and give them our cell phone numbers.
BARB takes the cell phone and starts dialing.
BARB
How about
half shrimp and mushrooms and half just mushrooms?
MITZY
That sounds good to me.
BARB
Me, too. I’ll just eat the shrimp side.
JAN
Me, too.
MITZY
Me, too.
Pause.
They look at each other.
BARB flips the phone closed
MITZY
I WANT THE
SHRIMP
YOU SAID I COULD HAVE SHRIMP! OF COURSE!
YOU SAID! OF COURSE!
YOU SAID I COULD HAVE SHRIMP! OF COURSE!
Pause. They settle.
JAN
I really like mushrooms with onions.
How about that on the other half?
And maybe something else?
BARB
How about peppers?
JAN
How about pineapple?
BARB
How about mushrooms and pineapple?
(calling out to
TITO)
HOW ABOUT!
MUSHROOMS
Pause.
TITO
MITZY
(back into tears)
Ohhhhhhhhhh!
JAN/BARB
NO!!!
They comfort MITZY.
JAN
How about hot peppers?
BARB
How about anchovies?
JAN
Oh, that sounds good.
BARB
(picking up the phone again)
Okay, so one half shrimp and mushrooms
and the other half mushrooms, onions, and anchovies.
JAN
Sounds good.
MITZY
Sounds good.
BARB
(calling back to TITO while dialing)
HOW ABOUT!
HALF SHRIMP
MUSHROOMS!
ONIONS!
Pause.
TITO
I’M!
A!
VEGE-TARIAN!
MITZY/BARB/JAN
Shoot! Darn! Rats!
Pause.
MITZY
Are anchovies really meat?
I mean,
they’re so little.
How can they even be an animal?
There’s like a zillion of them in a one teeny can.
How could they even have a brain in such a small body?
Isn’t that what makes things animals?
Because they have a brain?
JAN and BARB shrug.
What kind of animal are they, anyway?
JAN
They’re a fish, I think.
Or maybe some kind of eel.
BARB
They’re a fish.
And I think eels are fish, too.
I think.
MITZY
And a fish is a kind of animal?
BARB
I think fish are just animals that swim.
JAN
Clams don’t swim.
MITZY
They walk around on the sand.
BARB
They’re still fish.
JAN
They’re SHELLFISH!
BARB
That’s right.
Like lobsters
and crabs.
MITZY
Is a crab really a fish?
It doesn’t look anything like a fish.
BARB
I think so.
Google it.
MITZY
Yeah, let’s look it up.
JAN
Okay.
JAN turns to get the computer, but stops abruptly.
Oops!
BARB
Great! How much did you get for it?
JAN
Three hundred dollars.
BARB
THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS?!
We just paid nine hundred!
Well, give it to me!
GIVE ME
JAN pulls a huge wad of money out of her pocket.
She hesitates.
JAN
I was going
to give it to the Red Cross.
BARB
WE
JAN forks over the money.
And don’t touch anything else!!!
Pause.
MITZY
So fish are animals that live in water.
JAN
Yes.
MITZY
Except for water snakes.
They’re…snakes.
JAN
Oh, and beavers.
BARB/MITZY
Right.
JAN
And what about seals and otters?
They’re not fish either.
BARB/MITZY
Right.
BARB
And whales, too.
JAN/MITZY
Right.
BARB
And dolphins.
JAN/MITZY
Right.
JAN
No, these big water animals are not FISH, they’re...?
Pause.
BARB
Mammals!
JAN/MITZY
MAMMALS!
JAN
And don’t forget about the platypus, of course.
MITZY
Oh, they’re so cute!
I’ve always wanted to see a platypus!
JAN
I saw one once.
MITZY
Really? There are so few left!
Where?
JAN
They have one at the Miami Zoo.
At least they did. Before all the flooding and everything.
Maybe the zoo is not even there any more. Or they moved it inland.
Barb and I went about five years ago when we visited her mother.
MITZY
Was he cute?
JAN
Soooo cute!
MITZY
I love cute animals.
JAN
Me, too.
I want to get a little poodle but Barb won’t let me.
MITZY
Oh, those are soooo cute!
I love all kinds of little animals.
TITO
(entering in a purple robe)
Then why do you eat them?
MITZY
I don’t.
I wouldn’t eat a cute animal like that.
TITO
Just the ugly ones?
Long pause.
MITZY
Yes…I guess so.
BARB
Are you one of those angry vegetarians?
TITO
I’m not angry.
I’m just asking a question.
BARB
Because in my experience,
people who don’t get enough protein
are grumpy.
TITO
I’m not grumpy.
I’m just curious.
So, what, you don’t eat little baby cows, then?
Because they’re cute.
You know, veal?
Pause.
MITZY
I don’t know.
TITO
You don’t know if little baby cows are called veal,
or you don’t know if you eat veal,
or you don’t know if little baby cows are cute?
Pause.
MITZY
I don’t know.
TITO
Am I cute?
Would you eat me?
JAN
Stop picking on her.
BARB
You’re not cute.
You’re hostile.
Pause.
TITO
(bowing)
You are right.
I am hostile.
I believe this whole ordeal
has un-centered me.
(looking down)
Or wearing this robe
has un-centered me.
(looking around)
Or
there is simply
no center left.
My most humble apologies.
Please call me when the pizza comes.
TITO bows again and exits to the bedroom.
He sits on the floor in front of the bed and crosses his
legs to meditate.
In the living room BARB picks up the cell phone to make the
call.
TITO closes his eyes.
Lights go to black except for a spotlight on TITO.
We hear his breath come
in and out, a gentle song of water, and lights dance around him, like sun
through the trees.
Gradually, his calm
breathing comes under assault from a rising wind and rain. Next a cacophony of
industrial noise-cars and trucks, conveyor belts, escalators, elevators, and
metallic presses-enters the fray. Brilliant lightning strikes crash nearby,
illuminating the empty house, followed by deep rumbles.
TITO is now twitching,
shaking, deep in battle. His light spirals around him and he tries to rein it
in. He opens his eyes as he fights to calm the storm.
Suddenly the BROODING
FRENCH ART FILM GUY enters with a shout, and attacks TITO. They enter into a
trancelike dance/fight. One minute they are waltzing, the next, kickboxing, the
next, tangoing.
Over all these sounds and accompanying their dance is:
BROODING FRENCH ART
From the time that the world gave birth to time, and time
gave birth to the lounge chair, the automobile, the repeating rifle, the cotton
gin, the nuclear power plant-man was granted the chance for a more easeful,
longer life on this planet, and mankind was granted a one way ticket to his
inevitable demise.
Perhaps the kangaroo will survive. Perhaps the water snake
will survive. Perhaps the monkey will survive. But with the death of man, time
will die. For a time. For an immeasurable time without time.
But
eventually a dog, a water buffalo, an amoeba, some animal, out of necessity,
will rise up and use a tool to cut food. Will pile these tools in an area. Will
build a shelter to protect these tools from the weather, and lock this shelter
against those who would steal from him. Will decide it would be better not to
share these tools with the others. As they do not share their new tools with
him.
BARB’s voice begin to
break into the fray, echoing from the distance, as if shouting through a
tunnel.
BARB
(V.O.)
TEEEEETOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
BROODING FRENCH ART
They will wonder when would be the best time to go hunting with their new tools.
BARB
(V.O.)
TEEEEETOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
BROODING FRENCH ART
They will mark the passing of the moon, the sun, and the stars, and attempt to quantify these changes.
BARB
(V.O.)
WHAT DO YOU
WANT ON YOUR PEEEEEEEZA?
BROODING FRENCH ART
They will build a dirt path through the forest to travel
more safely and more quickly in the dark.
BARB
(V.O.)
TEEEEEEEETOOOOOO!
BROODING FRENCH ART
They will travel this path with a rock, a spear, a knife, a
sword, late at night. Weaving through the darkness of the trees. With
threatening shadows all around.
BARB
(V.O.)
PEEEEEEEEEEEEZA!
BROODING FRENCH ART
This new race, skating ever forward-the individual,
inventively dodging death, in search of personal longevity and success-the
tribe, collectively, charging towards its end.
TITO and BROODING
FRENCH ART FILM GUY land simultaneous strikes with a loud cry. A flash of
lightning explodes over the house. Blackout. In the dark, a long, ominous
thunder rumble.
ACT II SCENE II
The lights come up on
TITO and JAN settling into bed. The sound of a heavy rain outside. From the
kitchen we can hear BARB washing dishes, and from the bathroom we hear MITZY
washing up.
TITO
This is a
really nice bed.
JAN
Oh, right, I know-
“Do you girls mind if I watch you have sex?”
And this opportunity for voyeurism
is thankfully made possible by the fact that
we lesbians have sex all night every night
after every party
every picnic
every night club outing-
lesbians have sex constantly.
It’s a fact!
Verified by B Hollywood movies
and porn sites
and Maxim Magazine:
lesbians
are forever DOING IT.
They never go to work
or vacuum dust bunnies out of the corners of their rooms
or lie in bed puking with the flu,
they just go to parties
in slinky dresses
with cool shaved legs
and then race home for hot sex.
And because we are lesbians
and don’t have real feelings
sure, we don’t mind having our sex
publicly
inviting you to watch
since it’s
not
it’s just something fun and kinky
we do,
just a trendy game we’re playing
to pass the time
before we go back to
screwing boys
and raising their fat, pasty kids.
NO, YOU CAN’T WATCH.
Pause.
TITO
All I said was that you have a really nice bed.
JAN
Because we don’t even have sex any more!
TITO
Oh.
JAN
Well, once in the last month.
For a few minutes.
We tried.
TITO
Oh.
JAN
She cheated on me.
TITO
Ohhhh.
JAN
It’s my fault.
I took her love for granted.
I didn’t understand her.
I just thought,
she’s so strong
so independent
so capable
that she could never need
the love of
someone as little as me.
But now I can really see her.
And she’s not perfect.
Even in her great strength.
She’s a person
who needs to be loved,
needs to feel loved and wanted
even if she is as strong as an iceberg.
Because if you leave a ten ton block of ice out in the hot sun
it feels neglected
it longs for the sea
and so it melts
and seeks the greater ocean
to reunite with itself.
And so now
I see her and love her
more than ever,
and yet
I don’t know
that I can ever forgive her.
That’s what I’m still doing here.
Trying to decide whether forgiveness is possible.
I do know that I will never forget this thing
that she did
to me.
It broke something in me
that I thought was already broken
and now I’m wandering about
feeling around for clues,
a baby robin grazed by a passing car,
broken wing and crushed leg,
limping along the sidewalk,
dodging the passing people and cars.
Poor robin, everyone says,
all day long.
And then the night comes
and everyone goes home.
And the next morning
the shop owner
opening his store,
he notices the bird is gone.
He looks around by the alley for a body,
or a picked-over remains.
Nothing.
And he wonders,
what happened to this little bird?
Did it manage to fly away?
Or perhaps some animal got it
in the dark of the night
with no one left on the street
to shield it
from the cruel ways of nature.
All alone
limping
limping
no chance of escape,
a shadowy predator,
closing in,
poor Robin,
can’t run,
can’t fly,
nothing to do but wait,
heart quickening,
racing, pulsing, tightening,
as the creature draws near.
And finally,
a pounce,
a paw,
and darkness.
Pause.
I still don’t know if I flew away to a new freedom
or was eaten in the night.
TITO
I understand.
Everything except the part about the block of ice.
JAN
Forget about that.
Is it wrong that I’m glad she did it with an ugly girl?
Because this girl is ugly,
it means she didn’t choose her over me.
I didn’t lose a competition or something.
Is it wrong that I hate this girl I barely know?
TITO
No feeling is wrong when you are upset.
But be careful of hate,
it can sour your heart.
In time you’ll have more answers.
And sleep helps, too.
JAN
I like sleep.
In my dreams
I don’t remember the past
and I don’t worry about the future.
Sometimes I think
that’s all that happiness is.
TITO nods.
BARB enters from the
kitchen and MITZY enters from the bathroom and they stand on opposite sides of
the bed. MITZY is now wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt.
BARB
Well, Mitzy,
that looks much better.
MITZY nods.
BARB
Good.
Okay,
then.
BARB and JAN hop into
bed and they all settle in, crammed closely together.
BARB
(playing scout den mother)
Is everyone
comfortable?
Yes.
BARB
Is everyone
warm enough?
Yes.
BARB
Did our visitors get enough soup?
MITZY/TITO
Yes, thank you.
BARB
Okay, then goodnight, everyone.
JAN
Goodnight.
TITO
Goodnight.
Pause.
MITZY
I think I would feel more comfortable,
no offense, Tito,
if I was not next to Tito.
JAN
Okay.
BARB
Okay.
TITO
Fine.
TITO gets up and
circles around the bed and then gets back in on the far side of JAN and BARB,
who shift over for him. They all settle back in.
Pause.
And I guess I would feel more comfortable if Jan and Barb weren’t sleeping next to each other.
Pause.
BARB
(forced politeness)
Fine.
JAN
Fine.
BARB gets up and moves
around MITZY, so now it’s TITO, JAN, MITZY, BARB.
They resettle.
Long pause.
MITZY
(meekly)
Sorry, but…
I’m just not comfortable sleeping between Jan and Barb.
JAN/BARB
(even more strained politeness)
FINE…
They all sit up and
survey the positions.
They are having trouble finding a way to make this
work.
TITO
Wait, wait, I’ve got it.
(gesturing to JAN)
Switch.
TITO and JAN
switch.
It’s now JAN, TITO, MITZY, BARB.
They settle. Pause.
TITO
Everyone
okay now?
YES.
They lie back down to bed.
Pause.
MITZY
Umm…
WHAAAAAT?!
MITZY
It’s just
that…
Well, I’m
back next to Tito again.
BARB/JAN/TITO
Holy crap! I can’t believe this! This is ridiculous!
Pause. They sit up and reconsider.
Much puzzlement.
BARB
Hold on, I think I’ve got it figured out.
Mitzy, switch with me, Honey.
BARB and MITZY
switch.
They resettle.
Everyone sits up, looking around a moment, assessing the
lineup.
It’s now JAN, TITO, BARB, MITZY.
BARB
Okay…everyone happy now?
MITZY
Yes.
TITO
Yes.
JAN
Yes.
BARB
Great!
They lie down to sleep.
BARB reaches over to switch off the light-but there is no
lamp.
She stares up at the overhead light.
BARB
Jaaaaan…
JAN
I’ve got it! I’ve got it!
JAN jumps up, walks across the room, and turns off the
switch.
We hear her stumbling her way back into bed in the
dark.
JAN
Oops. Sorry. Excuse me.
TITO
No problem.
JAN
Oops. Okay. Okay.
Made it.
MITZY
You guys should really get a little bedside lamp or something.
BARB
That’s a GREAT idea, Mitzy.
Did you hear that, Jan?
JAN
GOODNIGHT, BARB.
BARB
Goodnight, Jan.
Pause.
MITZY
Goodnight, Jan.
JAN
Goodnight, Mitzy.
TITO
Goodnight, Jan.
BARB
Goodnight, Tito.
MITZY
Goodnight, Barb.
Pause.
JAN
Goodnight, Tito.
TITO
Goodnight, Mitzy.
MITZY
Goodnight, Tito.
Pause.
BARB
Goodnight, Mitzy.
JAN
Goodnight, Mitzy.
BARB
Goodnight, Tito.
TITO
Goodnight, Barb.
BARB
Goodnight, Mitzy.
JAN
Goodnight, Mitzy.
TITO
Goodnight, Mitzy.
Pause.
TITO
Goodnight, Barb.
BARB
GOOD NIGHT.
Silence.
After a few moments, the rhythmic sound of snoring.
Then we hear MITZY,
muttering quietly, at first, in the dark. As she rises in agitation, the others
sporadically toss and turn, like sailors trying to rest in their bunks during a
tempest.
MITZY
Thunder boom
swish swish
broom broom whisk
water wall wish swish
move
run
spreadwater open
grassy green slide
slip down wash
flip cars flop
music
music
sweet music
warm of my life
waving
inside waving
walk now
aisle white apron
music music
warm music
Mama
Papa
Mary
Herman
Becky
wink wink
waves
walk now
NO
scream
scream
WATER WATER
What
better
words?
Too late.
WATERWALL
SLAM SLIDING
THUNDER CRAM CRASH
screaming screaming
slippy cold field fast
float boat dress
slide green hills grab
ledge hold
ledge hold
water rip roar
legs
hold
hold
ledge hold
hold on, Mitzy
suck slap slap
water legs
hold
ledge hold, hold on, Mitzy.
Hold on
Hold on
Hold on
Hold on
Silence.
Water
water
black
swirl.
Water
water
water
black
swirl.
Becky?
Mama?
Mama??
MAAAAAAAAAAMAAAAA?!!
The others leap up in bed.
JAN rushes to turn on the light.
All circle in the bed trying to comfort her.
Overlapping speech.
MITZY
MAAAAAAAAAAMA???!!!
BARB
It’s okay, Honey! It’s okay!
MITZY
DADDY?!
DAAAAAAADDDDY???!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
BARB
It’s okay.
It’s okay, Honey.
You’re with us now.
TITO
Okay now, okay, Mitzy.
JAN
Shhh. Shhh. Alright now.
MITZY
I’m all alone!
No. No.
MITZY
I’m all alone!
No. No,
you’re not alone.
MITZY
I’m all alone!
No. No.
BARB
You’ve got us now, Honey,
and we’re going to take care of you.
TITO
It’s going to be okay now.
JAN
You can stay here with us
as long as you want.
BARB begins
rocking MITZY.
You, too, Tito.
Lights fade slowly
leaving a dim spot on BARB rocking MITZY, with JAN and TITO circled close. After
a few moments the spot slowly fades to black.
ACT II SCENE III
IN THE DARK the sound
of the wind and rain is rising steadily. A great storm is brewing. The earth is
under siege from the sky.
After a few moments, the doorbell rings.
Confused rustling in bed.
The doorbell rings again.
JAN
I’ll get it.
TITO
We’d better come with you.
JAN flips on the light
and walks into the living room and goes to the door, with TITO, and BARB and
MITZY following her. Lightning flashes across the dark sky.
JAN opens the door.
A PIZZA
PIZZA
Good evening, folks.
Seven pizzas.
Sixty-six forty-five.
Just tell me where to set them down.
Pause.
You ordered pizzas, right?
JAN
Yeah. Three hours ago.
PIZZA
Well,
it took a while.
On account of the weather.
JAN
Well, we don’t want them any more. We gave up trying to call you a long time ago.
PIZZA
(from behind the row of boxes)
Well, I’m sorry about that folks,
the phone lines are down,
and so I couldn’t get through to tell you
about the difficulties.
The south road is completely washed out
so I had to drive all the way up through the dunes
and around the creek.
But I did in fact make it now, and I think, in fact, your pizzas are still warm.
So that’s sixty-six dollars and forty-five cents, please.
JAN
Listen, buster,
I don’t know who the hell you think you are,
but we’re not paying for these stupid pizzas!
We ordered them hours ago and we already ate dinner and we’re in bed sleeping and we don’t want them anymore, so please just go away.
JAN tries to close the
door on him, but the PIZZA
PIZZZA
I’m afraid I can’t do that, Ma’am.
Restaurant policy clearly states that when pizzas are delivered, a full payment is expected at that time, and-
JAN
IT’S BEEN THREE HOURS!
WE’RE NOT PAYING YOU!
WHAT PART
DON”T YOU
US!!!
NOT PAYING!!!
YOU!!!
PIZZA
MA’M
I AM GOING TO PLACE THESE PIZZAS DOWN RIGHT HERE…
He peers out from
behind the pizzas, looking for a place to set them down, but cannot find a
surface in the empty room.
RIGHT HERE…
RIGHT…
He circles the room,
peering out, trying to find somewhere to set down the pizzas. Jan tries to drive
him towards the door, and as he circles, she pokes and prods at him. TITO, JAN,
and MITZY come forward, trying to help usher him towards the door.
PIZZA
YOU TO MAKE
SIXTY-SIX
DOLLARS
A GRATUITY IS ENCOURAGED WE’RE NOT PAYING YOU
BUT NOT
REQUIRED
SO
ALTHOUGH
GIVEN THE TROUBLE OUT
I’VE GONE
THROUGH
TO
TO YOU
IN THIS AWFUL STORM THE FUCK
A GRATUTITY WOULD BE- OUT!!!
JAN shoves him hard and the boxes crash to the ground.
All freeze.
The PIZZA
On his face, the
grotesque scars of war.
The sewn up remains of
what was once a handsome, young face.
His left hand is missing. It is on the floor with the
pizzas.
For a moment, just the
sound of the howling wind and rain, as the PIZZA
PIZZA
Gosh, I’m
sorry about that, folks.
He starts to bend over to clean up, but JAN rushes over and
beats him to it.
JAN
No, no, no!
Let me.
I’m sorry.
It was my fault.
PIZZA BOY
No, no, it was my fault.
I’m afraid I don’t have much of a grip any more.
He shrugs and holds up his arm with a grin.
First I got the metal kind,
which worked a lot better
but it seemed to scare people more.
I’m trying to get back on my feet
start meeting people again,
make some money,
so I switched to this kind.
But it’s not good for much.
Pause. He points to the prosthetic hand on the floor where
JAN is kneeling.
Do you mind?
Lending me a
hand?
Get it?
(laughing nervously)
Yes! Yes!
JAN stops straightening
the pizzas and picks up his hand.
PIZZA
Could you please do me the favor
of placing it in my coat pocket?
JAN
Yes, of course.
JAN puts the hand inside his pocket.
PIZZA
(with a nod)
Thank you.
And now…
I’m going to say
goodnight,
God bless,
and please take good care during the storm.
It’s going to be a doozy.
He turns to leave.
A flurry of overlapping speech.
BARB
(rushing into the bedroom)
Hold on!
Let me get your money!
JAN
Yes, wait a minute!
PIZZA
(making his way to the door)
No, no, no,
I dropped the pizzas.
I can’t possibly take your money now.
JAN
I knocked them down.
It was my fault.
BARB
(rushing back with the wad of cash from earlier)
I’ve got the money right here-
JAN
(grabbing the money from BARB and counting off bills)
It’s my fault, please let us pay.
TITO
Yes, we can just eat it tomorrow-
PIZZA
FOLKS!!!
ALL fall silent.
Thank you.
But there will be no charge for your pizzas this evening.
Everyone nods quietly.
JAN
Okay, thank
you.
BARB
Thank
you.
TITO
Thank you so
much, sir.
The PIZZA
JAN
What’s your name, soldier?
If you don’t mind.
PIZZA
Lance.
Sgt. Lance Finnegan, 3rd Infantry Division.
JAN reaches out and touches his arm.
She touches the stub of his missing hand.
JAN
Thank you, Sgt. Lance Finnegan.
She leans in and kisses him on the cheek.
And you take care of yourself.
LANCE
Thank you, Ma’am. I will.
I’m headed over to my mother’s to ride out the storm.
TITO
Goodnight, Sir.
BARB
Goodnight.
LANCE nods, and then turns and leaves.
JAN closes the door behind him.
Long, somber silence.
TITO
I’m really hungry.
MITZY
Me, too.
JAN
Me, too.
BARB
Me, too.
They bend over and
begin scooping up pizzas and giving them to their owners. “TITO, here’s yours,”
etc.
MITZY
Can we eat in bed?
BARB
Sure.
MITZY
And can we watch TV?
I haven’t seen TV in days.
The four take the
pizzas into the bedroom and hop into bed. The rain and wind can be heard howling
outside. JAN clicks on the TV with the remote, and the BROODING FRENCH ART FILM
GUY appears behind them.
Images begin to project
on the bedroom wall: cities thronging with people, a baby clinging to its
mother, a grocery store full of shoppers, rows of cars commuting to work,
children playing kickball in the park, soldiers on patrol in a desert town, a
tractor making its way through an endless field of corn.
As they watch, they munch on their pizza.
BROODING FRENCH
How does one measure a successful life?
Can the life of a single man or woman even be measured?
Or it can it only be said
he was once here
and he is no longer.
And what does it mean to be “here?”
The woolly mammoth failed as a species some thousands of years ago.
And yet, was this truly a failure?
What purpose did the mammoth fulfill on the planet?
In the universe?
Was, perhaps, the time of the mammoth simply over?
Characters begin to overlap narration.
JAN
Tito, can I have one of your pieces?
TITO
Sure. Help yourself. Anyone else?
MITZY
No, thank you.
BARB
I’m good.
BROODING FRENCH ART FILM GUY
Perhaps the mammoth filled its destiny
and then passed out of existence.
Perhaps its destiny was no more
than to love its offspring
to raise young woolly mammoths happily
in a world where the woolly mammoth
could be happy.
When that time had passed,
when the happiness quotient was on the decline
for that particular species,
it slipped into the eternal night of the universe.
Or did it?
BARB
But I can’t take this stupid show any more.
BROODING FRENCH ART FILM GUY
And what happens to us when we perish?
MITZY
I thought we were going to watch Saturday Night Live or something.
BROODING FRENCH ART FILM GUY
Do all animals have souls?
TITO
Or Wheel of Fortune.
MITZY
You know, something fun.
BARB picks up the remote and looks at JAN.
BROODING FRENCH ART FILM GUY
And to what far off land do these souls travel?
Perhaps the very secret to life is-
JAN
Fine.
BARB clicks the TV off.
Blackout.
Out of the darkness,
once again, rises the gentle image of the Milky Way.
In small white
lettering reappears the arrow and the words, “YOU
The Milky Way slowly
fades out.
END OF PLAY.