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"THE BARTENDER MIXES MAGIC LIGHT"
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"THE BARTENDER MIXES MAGIC LIGHT"
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--Excerpt--
IN THE DARK. A CHIME. LIKE THE SOUND OF A SPOON RINGING OUT ON A GLASS. BEAT.
BARTENDER
HOW IS IT?
WOMAN
SAME OLD SAME OLD
SLICED DELI TURKEY LOOKS NOTHING LIKE THE REAL BIRD
BARTENDER
GET YOU ANOTHER?
WOMAN
NO. I’LL TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
BARTENDER
SOMETHING LIKE AN ORGASMIC DAY AT THE BEACH?
SHE SHAKES HER HEAD NO.
SOMETHING LIKE A LONE LADY JOGS THROUGH THE PARK AT SUNSET?
SHE SHAKES HER HEAD NO.
SOMETHING LIKE AN APRICOT PRUNISH DESSERT PRAIRIE DESERT?
SHE SHAKES HER HEAD NO.
SOMETHING LIKE…
WOMAN
NO. NOTHING LIKE THAT.
SOMETHING LIKE…
A RAVAGED RAMPAGE RUN DOWN DREAM
OR AN AFTERSHOCK COLD RAZORBURN CREAM TANGO
OR A MISTY MORNING MONSTER MAYHEM WITH A MISUSED MISERY CHASER.
THE BARTENDER NODS.
BARTENDER
THAT BAD, HUH?
WOMAN
WORSE.
DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
BARTENDER
YES.
I DO HAVE SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
THE LIGHTS DIM EXCEPT ON THE BARTENDER, WHO RAISES A MIXING GLASS AND BOTTLES. HE POURS AND SHAKES AND STIRS AND SHAKES AND POURS AND STIRS. RAYS OF LIGHT DANCE DOWN ON HIM FROM THE RAFTERS AS HE WORKS.
THE BARTENDER STOPS, HOLDING UP THE CONCOCTION. ALL LIGHTS DIM BUT A LONE SPOT ON THE BARTENDER, WHO ANNOUNCES:
BARTENDER
THE BARTENDER MIXES MAGIC LIGHT.
A CHIME. LIGHTS BACK TO FULL.
A MAN ENTERS.
MAN
GET HER ANOTHER AND I’LL HAVE THE SAME
THE BARTENDER GRABS TWO GLASSES AND BEGINS POURING. THE MAN SITS BESIDE THE WOMAN AT THE BAR.
WOMAN
ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ME MAD OR GET ME FAT OR GET ME DRUNK OR SWEEP ME OFF MY DARK SIDE?
MAN
CAN’T A GUY JUST BUY A BEAUTIFUL DRINK A WOMAN?
BARTENDER SETS THE DRINKS DOWN IN FRONT OF THEM. THE WOMAN EYES HER DRINK A MOMENT.
WOMAN
I DON’T SEE WHY NOT
I DON’T SEE WHY
THE SKY
NEED BE SO DARK TONIGHT
OUTSIDE
WHERE WE ARE NOT
THE SKY IS DARK.
INSIDE
WHERE WE ARE HOT
PRIDE PERPETUALLY DREAMING.
MAN
AT THE COAST WE’RE WARMING
AN OCEAN BARBARY BANQUET
CARE TO DINE WITH ME BY THE SEA?
WOMAN
I WOULD LOVE TO
MAN
Hi. My name is Bob.
WOMAN
I’m Annette.
MAN
My pleasure.
WOMAN
PLEASURE TO PLEASE YOU YOU MEAN
MAN
PLEASURE TO EAT YOU YOU MEAN
WOMAN
PLEASURE TO MEAN YOU DEMEAN
MAN
PLEASURE TO DECEIVE ME YOU MEET
WOMAN
PLEASURE TO TREAT ME AS MEAT
ME
MAN
MEET ME IN THE MIDDLE WOULD YOU
WOMAN
HALF WITTED AS WE ARE
MAN
SHALL WE HALF THE WAY TO THE HAVING PLACE?
PAUSE.
WOMAN
WOMAN, I DO
MAN
MAN, I CAN
WOMAN
WOMAN, I WISH IT TONIGHT
MAN
I WILL
WOMAN
WALLOW IN YOUR LUSTERFUL WONDER BRIGHT
MAN
SNAP JAW ANGRY SIGH WASHING WORE THIN
WOMAN
OUT! OUT! OUT!
MAN
TONIGHT THE LIGHT SO BRIGHT
AND SO WE BEGIN:
WOMAN
AND SO WE BEGIN:
They tap glasses.
MAN
Do you come here often?
WOMAN
That line is so old.
MAN
I didn’t mean. I just meant. I’ve never seen you here before.
WOMAN
I never go out to bars. Well, almost never.
MAN
Why tonight?
WOMAN
I was meeting a friend here, but she just called and cancelled.
MAN
Is that the truth?
WOMAN
No. Not exactly.
PAUSE.
MAN
AND SO WE BEGIN:
WOMAN
AND SO WE BEGIN:
MAN
HE SAID I TOLD YOU SO
WOMAN
AND THEN THEY WERE GONE
MAN
AND THAT’S WHY I’M LATE
WOMAN
AND AFTER I LEFT THE HOSPITAL
MAN
AND THERE WERE NO LEFT MORE IN THE DRAWER
WOMAN
AND SO I LOOKED FOR HELP
MAN
AND SHE SAID I’VE NEVER TOLD YOU THIS BEFORE
WOMAN
AND THEN HE TURNED AROUND AND I KNEW HE’D BEEN CRYING
MAN
THAT WAS THE LAST TIME MY MOTHER EVER SAID
WOMAN
IT HAD ENTERED HIS SPINAL FLUID AND SEEMED LIKE IT MIGHT
MAN
MOVE DOWNTOWN WHERE I THOUGHT BUSINESS WOULD BE BETTER
WOMAN
AND AFTER SELLING THE HOUSE I THOUGHT I MIGHT AS WELL
MAN
BRING BLANKETS BECAUSE THE WEATHER WAS SO BAD THAT DAY—
WOMAN
LIGHT CAME JUST IN TIME BECAUSE WE WERE QUITE LOST AND
MAN
FOUND THAT I COULD FACE THIS ADDICTION WITH MY FAMILY’S
WOMAN
TREE HAD FALLEN OVER IN THE STORM AND SHATTERED
MAN
MY HOPES OF EVER FINDING HER AGAIN
WOMAN
I CALLED THE HOUSE AND STILL THERE WAS NO ANSWER
MAN
ME WHEN I’M SPEAKING TO YOU I SAID YOU’RE ONLY TWELVE YEARS
WOMAN
LATER WHEN I WENT TO FLORIDA TO VISIT MY SISTER
MAN
WHOM I NEVER FORGAVE FOR HAVING BETRAYED MY TRUST
WOMAN
FUND HAD JUST RUN OUT AND THE MEDICAL BILLS WERE
MAN
GOING OVER TO SEE THE NEW HOUSE AND
WOMAN
WHY DON’T YOU COME OUT AND MEET ME FOR A DRINK?
SILENCE. THEY SIP THEIR DRINKS AND TAKE ALL THIS IN.
THEY GROW MORE AND MORE ANXIOUS AND BEGIN TO GULP DOWN THEIR DRINKS.
SEEING THIS, THE BARTENDER BEGINS TO POUR INTO A BLENDER.
BARTENDER
ROUND TWO!
HE THROWS THE SWITCH ON THE BLENDER AND THEY SHOUT OVER ITS ROAR.
Excerpt from "The Bartender Mixes Magic Light," (C) 2005 Peter Papadopoulos
To read the entire script, email .
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THE BARTENDER MIXES MAGIC LIGHT
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